Am I Gay? Beats Me
Am I gay?
That is the question.
The answer:
Yes, ma'am.
Of course, I couldn't name it way back when, but I knew as early as 2nd grade. Mrs. Hatfield just made me feel differently than Mr. Boswell. It wasn't sexual or perverted, I just felt a warmth, a vibe, an energy around the women teachers that wasn't present around the men. Time hasn't distorted that memory. It's vividly stark.
Why am I bringing this up?
Well, it's pretty apparent to anyone who reads this blog that I know who I am. I've known for a very long time and I'm quite comfy within that knowledge.
So for someone like me, it's quite perplexing how someone can get to their forties and simply "discover" their gayness.
I contend that their orientation was known all along, but for reasons ranging from societal, religious guilt, perceived family shame, some folks simply deny - deny - deny. I'm not talking about the questioning teenager who may develop a crush on their gym teacher that is simply that - a one time crush that will mean nothing a month from now or may mean everything.
I'm also a firm believer that people can fall in love with anyone of any gender regardless of a solidified orientation. It happens and it doesn't mean that orientation is a choice. Emotions are a screwy, delightful albatross at times. Is it healthy? I don't know. Love is love to me.
But I digress...
How can someone reach the midpoint of his or her life and not know who they are?
Living authentically isn't a lifestyle, it's called adulthood. It's peace versus turmoil. Love versus lust. Compassion versus narcissism.
Projecting and believing a lie in any form produces only what it can: emotional chaos. And when you bring emotional chaos to the table, you better bring a shovel and a lot of napkins.
This is not about coming out or staying in the closet. Coming Out 101 fully supports the personal decision that we all have to make concerning that life altering decision. What I'm referring to is much bigger than even that. You can't come out to the world until you first come out to yourself.
Which brings me back to how can you reach your forties and not know who you are? What sheltered state of awareness must one live in to be oblivious to that internal mega force called attraction? Is it really possible?
Somebody, please educate me.
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